It has been awhile since I have written in my blog.  I have been facing my own demons over the past 5 to 6 weeks.  Nothing horrible or anything, mostly myself.  I have been teaching our youth in some areas that challenged myself, but those challenges also gave me new insight into myself and my walk with God.  As it says in Jeremiah 29:13 NIV  “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  What I am discovering is as I am draw nearer to him, it calls on me to be more than I am.  As it states in John 1:8 NLT “John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light.”  I am being called to allow the light of God to flow through me so others may see it.

However, to allow his light to flow requires me to surrender, to open the deepest part of myself to be lit up by his grace.  Unfortunately, going into those areas can be dark and bring up emotions, thoughts, things that need to be exposed to be cleaned out even healed.  When doing my teaching on the 5th commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother”, I ended up dealing with emotions and thoughts I felt I dealt with years ago.  It is ironic when doing that teaching I was made to realize that when Mr. Ryan was praying with me to “Honor my mother” that what he was actually doing was helping me guard my heart.  My Abba Father knew what was coming and knew it would be those prayers that would allow me to forgive and love a woman who for a moment would be lost.  The beginning of my Junior year in high school my mother tried to kill me and herself.  She reacted to her medication which created a chemical imbalance in her brain which was already recovering from brain surgery a few years earlier.  Mr. Ryan planted a seed inside my heart of love.

This week I am teaching about being a light.  I have been discovering some of the things that cause me to hide my light.  Doubt and fear are my biggest ones.  I have been evaluating others areas like our youth program at church.  Is it being the light it needs to be for our young people?   As we are building this program, I do know that I do not want pride or position to kindle the power of the light that flows.  In my relationships, I do not want frustration or disconnect keep me from being a light to others.  When choosing what to do with my time, I don’t want to be so busy doing so many things that I cannot shine the light in me to brilliantly light the few things that our God’s purpose for my life.

My challenge to you is to discover “What hides your light from others?”  What keeps others from seeing the glorious power of God living in you?  As in Matthew 5:14-16, we were called to shine our light not hide it.

Have you ever found yourself in a dark space where you could not see a solution to what was happening?  It felt like every time you thought you were moving forward and making progress when you stopped to look at your reality it had the appearance of defeat.  I found myself stuck today wanting to just give up, but then I reminded myself of whose I am.  I am a daughter of God and he is my Daddy.  Whenever I am in a dark place, all I need to do is look to him. “Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for and hope for and expect the Lord!” Psalm 31: 24

So today, while I was feeling sorry for myself, bellowing in self-pity, I received a message this message in my email:  “It may seem dark at the moment, but don’t lose hope. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, keep moving and you’ll get there. God won’t abandon you; let God be your light. It may take some time, but in the end, everything will be alright.”  It was that reminder I needed at that moment.  I needed to know that what is happening now is only temporary.

My today was shaped by my choices from yesterday and my tomorrows will be shaped by the choices I am today.  So if I take courage and put my trust in the Lord, there should be no worry, no fear for those are not where God wants us our energy and imaginations to go; he wants us to remember “By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones).” Ephesians 1: 18

So remember when you are in a dark place, look to Jesus to shine light on your heart.  Light will always overcome the darkness.  The darkness won’t last, it is only temporary.

This morning I was sitting and actually doing my homework for women’s bible study.  I am reading through the scriptures and 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. pops into my head.  My lesson is about Grace and this free gift given by God through his Son, Jesus Christ.  So what are you showing me God?

I know that God is working on my heart and my mind.  When He starts working on me, that is calling me to make some changes in my life.  One of the thoughts that have been coming up in my life is I have not loved me as God loves me.  If I did would I have allowed myself to get to be 75 lbs overweight.  Would I have allowed my finances, my home, my relationships to be chaotic, stressful.  At one point in my life, I exercised everyday.  I wrote letters to friends and family far away.  I purposefully made time for friends and family.  I worked my way out of debt.  I kept things organized.

Somewhere I allowed my thoughts about myself put a seed in my heart that what I did or said, that my very existence didn’t matter.  Oh, how I must of broke my Heavenly Father’s heart when that thought took root.  I have allowed fear to take root.  The Holy Spirit is so awesome in how he reminds us of who we are in Christ.  I am reminded that the changes happening in my life are cleaning out the junk so it can be replaced by the power, love and sound mind.

I don’t have to listen to the crazy thoughts that go against that very truth.  I have no reason to have fear  in my life for the bible even says – If God is for us, who can be against us.  This next week I will be travelling to assist my sister and her family.  I am a home body and sadness comes over me but when this feeling comes I start singing a praise and worship song and the lyrics it say:

The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear whom shall I be afraid.

I will trust in you

I will remain confident in this.

I will see the goodness of the Lord.

I am choosing to embrace the changes that God has placed on my heart.  I am done struggling.  I am at a point where enough is enough.  I believe when we get to that point of working with God instead of outside of him, it is at that point we will not fear but embrace change.

Last Sunday, April 21st, our cat KC fell ill suddenly at 4:00 am.  He had a heart wrenching meow, heavy panting and unable to move the lower half of his body.  As I reflect on how much pain and suffering he was going through, his natural reaction was to seek out someplace to hide.  As animals when hurting, our natural response is to withdraw, to hide ourselves from others.  Whether it is  a physical hurt, emotional hurt, mental hurt, or spiritual hurt; we hide it.

Maybe that is not you but I know that is what I do to myself.  Hiding isn’t always being locked up in a room with no one around sometimes it is simply withdrawing yourself from conversations.  Maybe even taking yourself out of relationships.  I know for me I don’t deliberately withhold myself, it is a subconscious response.  Stepping back for a moment is okay, but I know I shouldn’t stay there too long.  God has things his has asked me to complete and I will be unable to complete them if I stop moving and hide within myself.

Jeremiah 29:11(NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to give you hope and a future.”  So I have this destiny, right now it is taking care of my family, volunteering at my daughter’s school, running a small business and directing the Youth Program at my church.  Yours may be different than mine but I know I cannot fulfill this plan if I am not present.  I cannot give my best if I am withholding any part of myself.  God never withdraws from us.  He is always faithful.

If ever I am questioning where I am or where I am going  Jeremiah 29:13 says “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  No part of my plan has to be ME alone  – I just have to remember to seek my heavenly Father and know without doubt he is always with me.  He also never said that my future would be without hurt.  As human beings, we get hurt.  The thing about life is that the hurt doesn’t have to define who we are unless we let it.  We should define ourselves as God sees us through his love and grace.  Take the courage to live your life in spite of any hurt you may be dealing with at the moment.  You are never alone.